OPTIONS! {BY SAYEH} 12 Sep 2012

It's official. The Kardashians have ruined my life. And not in the way they usually ruin people's lives--by incenscing them for being famous for no reason--but by throwing my world into a tailspin after the most recent episode Sunday. Because, unlike most people, I actually like the Dash fam. I know. I know. Don't judge me. But I do. Despite how ridiculous their lives are and how absurd their "reality" is, I'm totally sucked in.

I cry when Rob breaks down in therapy (I mean. He clearly misses his dad.) I crack up at Scott Disick's antics while simultaneously feeling completely bad for him because Kourtney is such a pill. (I just want to shake her!) I love Khloe (she's my fave) and her no nonsense attitude. Lamar trips me out with his candy addiction, stank breath, and love for Rob. (Who else wishes they could go to a dentist, get knocked out, have 8 people work on their teeth in the span of 7 hours and be done with dentistry the rest of their lives? Just me?) When most people wanted to skewer Kim for having a bazillion dollar wedding for a 72-day marriage, I just felt so bad for her. (I full on sobbed during the episode where she confides to Kourt and Khloe that she made a mistake.) She reminded me of so many women I have known that are dying for their fairytale and will do all they can do to convince themselves and others that they have found it, only she had the insane checkbook to make it happen.

So on Sunday when Kim and Khloe went to see a fertility specialist to gauge their chances of having children, I was again drawn in. Except this time, in a way that I didn't expect. If you've watched the show at all, or passed by a supermarket tabloid in the last 3 years, you probably know that Lamar and Khloe are having issues getting pregnant (even if you couldn't care less). So when the fertility doctor showed them a chart of female fertility and how it goes down exponentially in your 30s, I had a mini panic attack. Well not mini. Try full on.

Obviously, I already know this about female fertility. It's no secret that the window starts to close as you get older, but there was something about seeing it on paper in a doctor's office (yes, I realize I wasn't actually there) that made me freak. And the thing is, I've never even had my mind set on having children. I've never been like those of my girlfriends who have always known that they want to be a mother. In fact, the idea terrifies me. I see my friends with kids and how exhausted they are, and how much they relish the opportunity to simply take a shower, and I can't really imagine it. 

BUT, I'm a person that likes options (although pretty indecisive in general). It's one of the reasons I love Lithe so much. I like that I have a zillion classes to choose from and several studios to register for depending on which side of town I'm on that day. The moment I start to tire of a class that was once my favorite, a new one pops up on the roster. I'm the same way in life. No, I probably won't wear every single one of the handbags I've accumulated over the years, but I like to know they're there, just in case. Will I ever get the guts to wear the D&G leopard print cami that my mom gave me? Probably not. But I like having it there in case I do. 

I guess that's always been my cavalier attitude about marriage and motherhood too. Like, if it's in the cards for me, then it will happen. If it's not, then it won't. And I'll be perfectly happy either way. I've never wanted to be "that girl," the kind that gets married just because "it's time" or because my biological clock is keeping me up at night with its relentless ticking. I've always fancied myself as a person who would only marry for love. For real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. And when/if that happened to me, I wouldn't be a cray bridezilla who obsessed more about my dress and my rock than my relationship. And if that means I'm 45 when that happens, so be it. If that means it never happens, then I will have great friends, and be an amazing aunt and hopefully have a series of relationships with dashing men that would leave me happy and having lived a full life. I could read all my love letters (love email) at 95 and regale my friends' kids about all the adventures I've had. (Yes, it's clear that I watch way too much TV, movies, and read too much 19th century British fiction.)

But when I saw that chart, something hit me. That if I do indeed have the opportunity and WANT that option, it won't be as simple as just doing it (no pun intended). It also made me realize that even if I decide I want to get pregnant tomorrow, I may very well not be able to, even if I'm still in the window of pretty decent fertility. Look at Khloe, she's 29 and she's not ovulating. And I know many women, my age and younger who have had the same struggles. Basically, there are no guarantees...even if I got started long ago. And all of that is slightly terrifying and completely overwhelming.

Recently, I was talking to one of my best friends (she's married with a daughter) who was asking me about my relationship and did I think we were going to get married. And I answered how I've always answered when asked about marriage. We'll see. Who knows. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. And she said: You know it's okay to admit you want to get married. You won't turn into a wedding dress cupcake with poofy sleeves. Of course I protested that I wasn't worried about that. That I really was just leaving it up to the powers that be. 

But her comment got me thinking. Was that a cop-out? Am I leaving my future up to the powers of Carrie Bradshaw and the rest of the Sex and the City girls because admitting I want to be married and have kids means that I will have to endure whatever sadness and unhappiness that will inevitably come if that doesn't happen for me? Is it just easier for me to coast along instead of figuring out what I want because I'm terrified that if I wake up tomorrow and realize I want a ton of kids, it will be too hard to reconcile that with where I actually am in my life and how realistic that is?

After a few days of thinking, I'm not any closer to the answers. But, I guess what I am certain of, is that I want the OPTION. That perhaps it's okay to actually think about these things, and even, gasp, TALK about these things in a real way with my friends or, DOUBLE GASP, my love interest, or TRIPLE GASP, make a plan. And it won't make me "that girl." That instead of blahzay, blahzay, que sera sera etc. that the time I'm spending just waiting for lightning to strike me one way or the other is time on that dang Kardashian fertility chart that is decreasing by the year. And that if I do indeed want the option, I may have to actually DEAL with it all in a real way. And that perhaps doing that doesn't mean that I let go of the fairytale either. That I can still be certain that, when/if the time comes, my significant other is proposing to me because he wants to, not because I've nagged and freaked him out about unborn babies and wedding venues that need booking, and he's finally breaking down. My worst nightmare.

Basically, the Kardashians, hate them as you might (and now me for talking about them this much) made me realize that I've spent too much time thinking about who I DON'T want to be, and what I DON'T want my hypothetical marriage and kids situation to be like, that I've really cheated myself out of thinking about what I DO want and what I AM comfortable with. So, I figure it's time to do that. I did try to explain all of this to my bewildered boyfriend. He had fallen asleep during the episode, only to wake up to find me slightly hysterical. Going on about charts and graphs and how Khloe isn't ovulating and how Kim is going to freeze her eggs and how I'm 32 and that even if we got engaged tomorrow, my chart was looking BLEAK. He was incredibly sweet, although throroughly confused, said we could talk about it as much as I wanted, but that we were never going to watch the Kardashians again. Ever. Thank God for DVR and for Lithe and all it's much much easier options. 

See you in class!

Image of Lither, Sayeh Hormozi, wearing Lithe via Dom

Comments

[theresa]

DUDE - I love this post. I thought it was just me. I'm 30, single (and enjoying it) and the Kardashians WERE my guilty pleasure right up until I saw that chart and had a mini panic attack on my couch that involved screeching "HOLY $##T!" You seem to have a totally healthy attitude about it all and glad you and yours had "the talk". Good for you!

[Amanda]

I love this post Sayeh. Keep on keepin on! Miss you all xoxo

[Anna]

Sayeh, you've hit the nail on the head with this one! Had a mini panic attack this morning, asking myself where will I be in 10 years and what have I really done in the past ten years!!! I feel this weight and pressure that can sometimes consume my entire mind and body. It's comforting to know I'm not alone. Thanks for another inspiring blog!!

[Julia]

Sayeh-try having your OB/GYN having the talk with you. I am 31 and single, last february I stepped into her office for my yearly and to discuss different birth control options. She asked me if I had children yet, then when I told her "no" she looked at me with concerned eyes and said "I have to have this talk with you. You should consider having children NOW." When I responded that I was waiting for my potential child's father she said "I just think its better that you know this now, I see too many 38 year old women coming in here trying to get pregnant, so you know think about doing it now."

HELLO????? For starters is it responsible to tell a single woman to have children NOW NOW NOW? Also I walked out of the office crying! Its a real wake up call isn't it?

So *hugs* I think early 30s can be a pretty challenging time for moms and non or pre-moms alike.

[Kate]

Great post Sayeh. I also believe it can become even more stressful when you realize that we live in a society that reinforces these structured ideas of how we should approach our future-women are often told repeatedly that we need to get married and have babies to have our happy ending. Rarely do we open the discussion about the other, as you noted, options that are out there! It's OK to say "Sure, I might get married. Who knows." the same way it's OK to say "Nope not for me" or "YES! I CAN'T WAIT! OMG YES!" The most important thing is to not only becoming more accepting of one's life choices regarding what one DOES want, but to also surround oneself with a wonderful community of friends who'll support their personal decisions. That's one of the things I've loved about the women I've met through Lithe-I've met some amazing, inspiring women who support me and my choices and my commitment to knowing what I do want :)

[Liz]

I got married when I was 42. Yes, it was too late to have kids, but I did have the fairy tale wedding, my man and me on the beach in Hawaii, and to this day, it was the best thing I have ever done! It was so worth the wait, anything before wouldn't have lasted. I go the Carrie Bradshaw (and the chick from The Bachelor who stole that line!) Happily Ever After, proof that it can happen at anytime, usually when you least expect it. Now, go put on the D&G top and rock it!

[Sheryl]

Wow! So much of what you wrote about, Sayeh, I can relate to in this post. I'm 35 (gasp!), and I've never worried about marriage or having children...I'm single / never married / no children. Options, however, are always nice and yes, it is a bit frightening to think about the fact that perhaps they aren't all there anymore. On a positive note, there are ALWAYS options of other sorts, right?

[Sayeh]

Wow! Thank you so much for sharing guys! I woke up this morning with a bit of a pit in my stomach about sharing this with the world, but now I feel so much better! Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to sharing your thoughts too.

[Lauren Boggi Goldenberg]

I can relate. At 31 I really felt the urgency to have a baby. For me, the ticking clock seemed to appear overnight, and in hindsight, I do think that my body was telling me something.

If your chances of becoming pregnant (easily) may be decreasing with age, and if the odds seem to be against you, think of my case. Kinda different topic here, but after 3 consecutive miscarriages (I was in the 1% of women who have more than two in a row), I beat the "unexplained infertility" stats of carrying my own child and so do many others.

We have options! Now that I have had my own biological child and have experienced pregnancy (something that I didn't love and would probably not do again), I know that I could love someone else's child the same way that I love my Mars.

I say, live your life the way you want and relish what you have now. No baby, freedom and you. You'll never get that back. And, SO much can change over the course of a year : )

@Liz, I agree! Rock it!

[MT Soltis]

Sayeh - I seriously think we were seperated at birth. I was just sitting here in my office reading this with my head nods "yes" getting more and more pronounced with every paragraph. Thanks so much for sharing yourself with all of us! XOXO MT

[Colleen O]

@Anna. You need to find a new OB/GYN. That is totally unprofessional for her to say that. It is nobody's business (not even your Gyno's) as to when you will have children. Telling a single woman that she better find someone to have babies with now... well, I can't think of more insensitive thing to say. I'm in the same situation as you and I too would have cried on my way out. They should know that is an incredibly sensitive topic for single women in their 30s. We all know the age/fertility deal so why make us feel bad about it?

[Lauren Boggi Goldenberg]

@Colleen, I agree with you.

[Myra]

Awesome reading and you should write a book I will be your #1 Fan, Keep rocking Sayeh!!!

[Julia]

@Colleen and Lauren Thank you. It was my first visit with her, changing my ob/gyn from my old doctor in the suburbs. I vowed I wouldn't go back to her ever again and my friends all told me the same thing.

[Jackie]

Hi Sayeh - I really enjoyed this blog post (and I always love your blog posts). This one was particularly timely for me, as I've recently hit 30 and realized that perhaps I should start thinking about these things. While my fears and concerns are not quite the same as those of you who are not married, I find that the idea of child-rearing gives me tremendous anxiety - can I work and raise a child at the same time? Do I / will I have enough money? Even if I want to have a child, am I physically capable (and if I'm not, can I afford the alternatives)? Most importantly, I find that I am in such a happy and comfortable place right now, that I worry about what would happen when I add another person's life into the mix.

It is all so much to think about - bottom line is that we can't worry about these things and just need to keep living day by day and doing the things that we love (and being with the people we love).

[Elizabeth]

In November I found myself unexpectedly and happily pregnant for the first time, and gave birth to a healthy baby boy last month at the age of 44. While pregnant, I met a surprising number of women who were in my same situation. Now I certainly wouldn't counsel someone to wait and try to get pregnant in their mid-forties, as I know I was lucky, but I am also proof that it IS possible! And sometimes I think that there is something a little nefarious or underhand about how some try to scare women about the ticking of their biological clocks. Yes it is more difficult to get pregnant the older you get, but one person can have fertility problems at 20, and another can have no problems whatsoever at 38, 44, etc. You tend to hear more of the scare stories, so I thought I'd share my different kind of surprise ending!.... :)

[Sayeh]

That's really great to hear @Elizabeth! How amazing! And yes, I think you're right...fear-based decisions rarely do us any good. @Jackie, I totally hear you. It is just so much to think about! Striking a balance between being mindful and enjoying our present life is SO important. Thanks Lauren for sharing your experience, too about Mars. And to all of you for sharing. And for reading! @MT, I can always count on hearing from you which is always makes me so happy! :) Thanks again!

[Deanna]

Sayeh--Thanks for this post. Much like you lately, I've reconsidered my career living, situation, future, etc. This post perfectly articulated what I've been thinking, but having trouble expressing. Well, not even just trouble expressing, but trouble admitting. It seems like there is this magical button called "Sudden Confusion" that gets turned on at 30.

[Anon]

Hi - I feel compelled to comment. I just don't want anyway to be scared out of their mind by some of the thoughts and misinformation in this post and the comments. Recurrent miscarriage is scary, and while the statistics show that only 1% of women will suffer three consecutive miscarriages, even women who have suffered so enormously still have a 60% chance that their next pregnancy will be carried to term. See, e.g., http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/07/110704083056.htm
http://www.bocafertility.com/recurrent_miscarriages.aspx

[Stanecia]

Ms. Hormozi why do you still intrigue me years and years later!! Loved this!