SAYEH'S LIVING LITHE! 11 Sep 2013
This post is meant to be read while listening to Wilson Phillips's timeless hit "Hold On."
Fall is in the air and I feel like I'm Lauren's son Mars--sucking on the delicious and comforting binky of summer, fearful that at any moment someone is going to rip it from my little baby lips causing it to disappear into a confusing, cold suckle-less abyss of emptiness for a long, long time. (Sorry Lauren, I know this is not helping your fears.) And I'm not ready. I'm not ready, Mama Earth. I'm just not ready! With every cool breeze and chilly morning, I find myself already getting pre-depressed for the winter that I know is quickly approaching. Gray skies. Layers of clothing. Walking home from work in the dark.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHYYYY GOD?? WHYYYYYYYYYYY??
Summer came so late this year, and now it's getting wrenched away from us just as quickly?? It's too much! Today I went to the Fair Food Farm Stand in Reading Terminal and already they have piles of various squash for sale. Squash?? I don't want SQUASH! I don't want CHICKEN POT PIE. I don't want CHILI. Short rib ragu? RagBOO! I don't want thick and hearty things. I want watermelon agua fresca. I want tomatoes and basil and corn and sunglasses and cute sun hats and fun sandals and a pool! Is it too much to ask for these things for a few more measly weeks/into early December?
Walk into any home goods-y type of store and the Halloween decorations are out--and have been for weeks. STOP RUSHING ME WORLD! No, I don't know my Halloween costume yet, extra nosy cash register lady! (Ok so yes, mayyyybe I've been toying with the idea of dressing up like a MacDowell's employee from the movie Coming to America, but that's besides the point!) I've barely come to grips with the fact that we are 1/3 of our way into September already, let alone wrapped my mind around where I'll get a maroon plaid vest and matching beret with white fluffy ball on top.
My reticence to let go of summer is not a surprise. I have a hard time letting go of lots of things. Just take a look inside my t-shirt drawer. Do I really need the XXL t-shirt from my high-school-sponsored late-night post-graduation party? (Class of '98 A.M. Mayhem represent!) No. Do I really need the t-shirt from the dingy college bar in Denton, Texas where I used to pay 25 cents for a tiny cup of Natural Light masquerading as Shiner Bock? Well, yes. I do need that shirt. That place was awesome.
Point being, change is hard. Be it the seasons. Be it...relationships. I have more than once found myself in relationships that last YEARS beyond when they should've because I was so paralyzed by my fear of change...and of regret. It's crazy how many times I could acknowledge to myself and to my friends that I wasn't happy. That things weren't working. That nothing felt...right. Or...easy. But the idea of the upheaval I knew would come as a result of finally breaking things off was enough to make me rationalize my choice to stay. Wellll, all couples go through this. Wellll, no one (no job, no friendship, no house, etc.) is perfect. Someone (thing) else will come along with a whole new set of problems. And of course, then there's the irrational fear that inevitably follows contemplating making any big change. What if all of a sudden I will MISS this horrible state of affairs?
And usually you do miss...it...whatever the it in question is. Every time. For a minute (a while, a year). Because that's what we humans and creatures of habit do. Yet, that's never the reason to stay. Still, no matter how many times I have learned that change is usually a good thing, I avoid confronting it as much as possible. Which is why I've contemplated moving to the equator.
And now, on the brink of marriage. Marriage! I'm afraid because I'm confronting a whole new kind of change. Different and much better than the kind that comes with contemplating ending things--but sometimes the even scarier kind that comes with starting something new. The hopes...the unknown...the fears. Deciphering what are the things I hold on to? What are the things I let go of? I've held on to my own family for years as such a priority, for example. How do I reprogram my mind to think of my new bond and the family that my new husband and I will be as more of a priority? How do I simultaneously hold on to who I am and what I still hope to achieve while letting go of my ego and my fierce independence in an effort to become a true partner?
It's tough stuff. But I guess if there is any season to contemplate all of it, it's the fall. All the transition that happens around us this time of year. From the little things...like letting go of our care-free summer routines while, like Lauren said, holding onto things like our workouts and not letting everything go by the wayside. From green leaves to golden ones, tank tops to cardigans, tomatoes to squash. While it all makes me want to turn back the hands of time, I have to admit it's simultaneously exciting and hopeful. In the way that only fresh school supplies and crisp backpacks and new chapters in life can be. And as the days are ticking off the calendar, despite my fears, I'm also starting to find it hard to contain my happiness for my new chapter, which is so imminent.
My hope is that as the seasons turn turn turn, change will get easier. For all of us. That while we work so hard on our bodies and ourselves, we embrace the things we love and want to hold on to, and find it less and less hard to let go of the things we hold close that may be holding us back. Binkies and all.
See you in class!
Image of Lither Sayeh Hormozi via wearing Lithe via Dom